It’s a common scene in households with toddlers: a treasured toy, a seemingly innocent snack, or even just a parent’s attention becomes the subject of intense, unyielding possessiveness. “Mine!” is often one of the first and most frequently uttered words in a toddler’s vocabulary, leaving many parents wondering, “Why do toddlers struggle to share?” Understanding the developmental stage your little one is in can help you navigate these challenging moments with patience and compassion.
Still in Their Early Stages
For toddlers, the concept of “mine” is deeply intertwined with their developing sense of self. Around 18 months to three years old, children are just beginning to understand that they are separate individuals from their caregivers. This burgeoning autonomy leads them to strongly identify with their possessions as an extension of themselves. To a toddler, their toy car isn’t just a toy car; it’s their toy car, and the idea of handing it over feels akin to giving away a part of themselves.
Furthermore, toddlers live very much in the present moment. Their ability to understand abstract concepts like “taking turns” or “sharing now to play later” is still rudimentary. When another child wants their toy, they perceive it as a permanent loss, not a temporary lending. Their emotional regulation skills are also still in their infancy, meaning intense feelings of frustration or anger can quickly overwhelm them, leading to meltdowns when sharing is expected. They haven’t yet developed the cognitive tools to empathise with another child’s desire for the toy or to delay gratification.
Staying Patient
Parents often feel a strong urge to intervene and force sharing, especially in social settings. However, it’s crucial for parents to stay patient and compassionate. Forcing a toddler to share can actually be counterproductive. It can lead to resentment, reinforce the idea that they lose control over their belongings and even escalate their resistance. Instead, focus on validating their feelings (“I see you’re upset that Billy wants your truck”) and offering strategies rather than demands.
Teaching sharing is a gradual process that requires consistent, gentle guidance. Model good sharing behaviour yourself. Use simple language and positive reinforcement when your child does show signs of sharing, no matter how small. Offer choices and opportunities for independent play before expecting shared activities. Talk about turns, rather than just “sharing.” Most importantly, remember that this phase is normal and temporary. With patience and a deep understanding of their developmental stage, you can gently guide your toddler towards understanding the joy and benefits of sharing, fostering a more compassionate and understanding little human in the process.